The World Has Grown Quiet (Yet Here I Still Remain)

Chapter Text

At the edge of the world

We strain our ears to hear the galaxy

A gentle breeze, your ankle

Outlines the bellflowers

The palm of my hand, curled in the soil

When it envelopes yours

It’s bittersweet

Asleep among endives

Now, the world too

Closes its eyes

Concealing us

Asleep Among the Endives , Ichika Aoba

His mom and Mrs. Williamson had dropped them off at the movie theater, while they went to shop at the mall. Their moms gave them enough money to splurge on a large popcorn and two medium fountain drinks. Samuel had gotten Coca-Cola and Eddie had opted for Sprite. Both boys were happy with the day’s plans, especially Eddie. He had been waiting for a chance to see “The Incredibles.” And he was glad he got to watch it with Samuel.

Mrs. Williamson and Eddie’s mom picked them up, once the film was over. During the drive home, they talked about what superpowers they wanted to have. Even their moms got engaged in the conversation. This was the happiest he had been in a while. He didn’t usually hang out with his mom by himself, but he hoped there would be more days where he and his mom could spend the day together.

They made it home safely and bid their goodbyes to the other family. But Eddie’s mom lingered at Mrs. Williamson’s driveway. His mom handed him some of her bags. She told him to go ahead and carry them inside to the house, while she talked to Mrs. Williamson for a bit. Likewise Mrs. Williamson instructed Samuel to carry her own bags into the house. Both boys heeded to their mother’s instructions.

Eddie said goodbye and started his short walk across the Williamson driveway to his house. Eddie swung the shopping bags in his arms, giddily content with today.

He walked toward his house, feet stopping short of the driveway where the garage was pulled up. Eddie saw his dad’s car parked in the garage and his heart stopped beating.

His dad was supposed to still be at work in Euless. Why had he come home early? He went inside through the garage door, to see his father sitting on his recliner.

When his dad looked up at him, he grabbed the remote and lowered the volume of the TV. Eddie turned slightly behind him to see what he was watching. It was some football game that was airing. Eddie couldn’t tell who was playing though. He was never interested in football. But Samuel kept talking about all the players he liked and Eddie felt bad he couldn’t talk to him about football.

Maybe he’d ask his dad to teach him. He was about to ask him who was playing, until his dad stood up from his spot on the recliner.

“Where’s your mom?”

“Outside. She’s still talking to Mrs. Williamson.”

His dad nodded. He pulled out a cigarette and proceeded to light it. His mom hated whenever his dad would smoke in the house. His dad always said he would quit, but the ashtray next to that leather recliner was never thrown away. As long as it was there, his dad never had the actual intent of stopping.

His mom walked inside, traces of laughter falling away as her gaze locked on her husband’s impenetrable stare. Eddie looked between the two of them. The two of them could be very stubborn at times. It served to create a very tense environment.

He should have known his day started off too good to end well.

Now he was sitting at the kitchen table, head lowered, as his parents argued.

“Ramon, it’s not that serious.”

“Yes, it is. You just undermined my decision. I told you Eddie was not supposed to see the outside of his room for the next two days. I came back from work to see you had overridden my decision that we mutually agreed on.”

“Ramon, lower your voice.”

His dad lowered his tone, but it still felt like his voice was a thunderous echo. “Helena. We can’t let Eddie think that he can get out of trouble.”

"He’s not. My goodness Ramon, it was one simple outing. Mrs. Williamson wanted to hangout at the mall and thought her son would be bored. I suggested we take them to the movie theater. You are blowing this way out of proportion!”

His mom’s voice grew louder, despite her own pleas for his dad to be quieter. Eddie remained silent. He didn’t want to get in between his parents' fight, considering it was about him. He told his mom that his dad would be upset about him going to the movies. But she had said she would stand up for him, if his dad had any issues.

It was the first time she was making any effort to stand up for him. But he should’ve known it was all talk. She didn’t expect her husband to come back from his work trip today, when she agreed to let him go to the movies. Eddie could already sense a change in the atmosphere.

His mom was going to cave.

She always did.

His mom sighed and leaned against the stove. Her hair cascaded down her shoulder, hiding half of her face from her husband and son. She turned back to the two of them, expression halfway apologetic. But to whom Eddie didn’t know.

All Eddie knew was that by nighttime, Eddie was sent back to his room. Except that time, his dad had come in there and cleaned out all the gaming consoles he had. He confiscated all the toys he had gotten over Christmas. He pulled the curtains over Eddie’s blinds, even though the room was already dark.

He didn’t even know why he was being punished. Thank goodness his dad always reminded him.

“Until you learn your lesson, you are going to stay in your room. It will be school then home, school, then home, and repeat. Don’t miss the bus because neither your mom nor myself will take you to school in the morning. And we won’t be dropping off anything you forgot to put into your backpack. Both of us have work. We can’t drop everything and come up to your school as you deem fit.”

Ah, and that’s why he was being punished. He had gotten into a lot of trouble lately. There were too many instances to remember that he had forgotten the reason for this punishment.

Yesterday Adrianna was having trouble doing her hair. They were having picture day and Adriana wanted her second grade yearbook pictures to be perfect.

His mom had quickly done Adriana’s hair, before she had to rush out the house in order to make it to her meeting on time. Yet Adriana didn’t like the way her hair was done. She didn’t want two high ponytails with bows the size of her face.

And Sophia tried to help, but Adriana had a very tender head and Sophia tended to be a bit…rough.

Eddie had to step in, before the two started fighting.

Eddie didn’t know how to braid, but he made the attempt. Eventually, Adriana was satisfied with her hair. He finished doing her hair and helped her decide what to wear—because the outfit his mom picked out for her last night was too “childish” and not “pretty” enough.

He tried saying it was fine, but then Sophia popped her head into the restroom and wrinkled her nose. She said Adriana looked like a cabbage patch doll. And well…Eddie couldn’t lie. Adrianna still had plump round cheeks and his mom had mistakenly chosen a dress with frill at the bottom, puffy sleeves, and lace at the collar.

Then all the other options Eddie picked out didn’t seem to fit her standard.

He tried saying it was fine, but Eddie found it difficult to have a mature discussion with an eight year old.

Eddie knew they were running out of time, but it took awhile for Sophia to lend Adriana one of her dresses. Eddie wished he came to that decision quicker.

Because not only had he missed his bus, he had also indirectly caused Sophia and Adriana to miss their bus. And that was worse. It was really bad because Adriana had nearly been late to picture day, when their mom had driven all the way back from work to drop them off at school.

“You’ll take this time to learn from your mistake, mijo,” his dad proclaimed.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” his dad sharply repeated.

“Yes, sir,” Eddie mumbled.

“Speak up when I am talking to you.”

“Yes, sir.”

His dad heaved a heavy inhale through his nose. “Good. Make sure your clothes are ironed and you have everything you need for school tomorrow in your backpack.”

Eddie heard the door close behind him. His heart thundered in his chest. He packed his backpack and set his alarm an hour early. He wrote down a checklist for everything he needed for the next day. He went to sleep and promised he would be better.

He had to be better, so he could stop disappointing his parents. And like his dad always reminded him, “You’re the oldest Edmundo. You have a responsibility to be a good example for your sisters. You don’t want them misbehaving do you?”

“No, sir,” he had said, vigorously shaking his head.

“Good, they pick up on the bad things you do. Make sure your sisters have a good example to be inspired by.”

He closed his eyes and tried forcing himself to sleep. In his dreams, he was the perfect role model. He was the best big brother for his sisters. He was responsible enough to be a good example.

He was good.

In due time, his dad would believe that too.

Buck’s birthday was on July 9th. Buck always joked how it was hard having a birthday, directly after a holiday. Usually, they were working shifts on his birthday. A lot of kids kept leftover firecrackers and it resulted in a lot of emergencies they had to respond to within that first week, after the July 4th celebrations.

But both of them conveniently had today off. Eddie was pretty sure Bobby scheduled it to where Buck didn’t have to come in on his birthday. He tried to schedule it that way for most of them, but most of the time they couldn’t get the day off. It was a rare surprise that Buck was off and even rarer that Eddie was off as well.

Eddie chose not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Finding out the two of them had the day off, Eddie began arranging plans for Buck’s birthday. He had checked in with Maddie to make sure the first half of his day was free.

He didn’t want to infringe on any of her plans. He almost sent a text off to Tommy, but thought better of it. If he had scheduled some plans for Buck, Buck would just decline Eddie’s invitation. And Eddie would be fine with that.

He would.

He had just celebrated the past five birthdays with Buck. He would be alright not spending the entire day with him.

He would.

But thankfully he didn’t have to.

Eddie had sent him a text asking Buck if he would be free. After Buck said his schedule was open, Eddie immediately sprung into action. He began looking at places where Buck had mentioned he wanted to go. He looked at different places opening and closing times.

Then he sent a text to Buck making sure the plans were alright, but included that he was also amenable to change and open to do whatever Buck wanted to do. He even said he would be the chauffeur for today. Buck had sent a gif with a person’s mouth opening in surprise.

Eddie drove to Buck’s loft in the early morning, the sky still a dark midnight blue. Buck was still shaking off sleep as he got into the passenger side of the car. Eddie told him he could take a nap and that he shouldn’t feel the need to stay awake just because Eddie was driving.

Buck fell asleep, resting peacefully all the way up until they made it to the farmer’s market. Once there, they got out and started to head to look around at the different vendors and merchants that were beginning to put their stuff on display. Buck had said he wanted to grab some stuff at the farmers market, but had been unable to come early in the morning when a lot of stuff was still stocked up.

So that was how they were welcoming the first hours of Buck’s birthday.

It was a relatively quiet morning. Dawn had left a softened haze over the world as the sun began to slowly creep its way over the city. Most people were still sleeping or beginning to shake off the lingering whispers of sleep. Only a few people milled around in the market, seemingly getting the same idea. There was a distinctive peace in the somber stillness of a farmer’s market in the early hours of the day.

The coolness of the wind swept through his hair. He trailed his fingers over a group of apples, weighing them in his hand. Likewise, Buck analyzed each apple’s appearance for either deformity or softness.

Eddie took a moment of reprieve to stare at his friend. He noted the casual look of indifference, offset by the pure attentiveness in the lines of his mouth and how his eyebrows drew into the center of his eyes. His eyes, the deep set of blue that darkened with interest, lightened up as he gathered a few apples that met his standard.

He turned those same blue eyes to Eddie. But the darkness slowly crept out, leaving behind a stunning shade of blue that shone like iridescent glass.

“This is enough for the apple crumble you’re making,” Buck questioned, drawing his bottom lip in concentration. “These seem pretty good, but you’re the one making the crumble.”

Eddie went beside Buck, who was only a few feet away from him. He looked into the bag of apples Buck had chosen. Then looking up, he told him, “If they pass your standard they’re good.”

Buck’s facial expression brightened, opening himself up to catch every bit of rays the sun had only just begun to impart upon the world. Eddie hoped the sun would show incredible favor to Buck. He didn’t care if he and others in this market didn’t feel the warmth of the sun for a while. It was going to a person more deserving than all of them anyways.

“Yeah, they’re good,” Buck agreed.

“Good,” Eddie reached into his wallet to pay the amount of the apples.

Buck put the bag of apples into one of the tote bags that was quickly filling up, the further they went through the farmers market.

They both thanked the gentleman and his granddaughter who looked like she wanted to be anywhere but helping at the apple stand. Walking away, Eddie and Buck perused all the different vendors. Buck searched through his tote bag, rummaging around to see all the things they had already bought.

“Get everything you need cowboy?” Eddie said, momentarily distracted by the art stand. He could reason that was the only explanation as to why the word slipped out of his mouth. The artist had a lot of work, showcasing the great American west with horses and cattle.

It was just a response. It was a weird response, but it was just a response. Buck would just ignore it.

“Cowboy?” Buck laughed. “Where’d that come from? Is that because of that honky tonk show you’re watching.”

“Excuse you, it’s Yellowstone . And I don’t watch that show,” Eddie insisted, focusing on the other stands.

“And yet you know what show I was talking about,” Buck teased.

Eddie ignored him and moved to where a lady was selling peaches and plums. He picked up a few, testing them for how soft or hard they were. There were a few that dimpled, underneath his touch and Eddie set them back down. He liked his peaches a bit harder, the ones that had a satisfying crunch.

Buck walked closely behind him, the lines of his body barely pressing against Eddie’s back. Eddie decided not to call attention to the way his body instinctively swayed back, forcing the line of connection to strengthen.

“Now back to what I was asking. Cowboy? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say something like that before. Have I been missing out on Texas boy slang Eddie? Come to think of it, I don’t think you say much besides…y’all,” Buck pondered, also looking at the plum jelly that was on display.

Eddie’s mind thought back to the time, he said, “Okay, cowboy. Go get ‘em.” The affectionate bit of southern twang had passed his lips faster than he could remember his place. Because there wasn’t a reason to call him that nickname.

It was a nickname that sounded like an endearment coming from the right person. But Buck didn’t know that. He hadn’t questioned it then, probably too focused on getting lined up on the ladder. And even if he had, Eddie would brush it off just like he was brushing it off now.

“Oh, didn’t you say you needed to get some turnips and red cabbage. I think I saw one a few stands over,” Eddie said, grabbing Buck by the elbow to lead him to more produce stands where a bunch of vegetables were being taken out. “And weren’t you saying you needed to replenish some herbs.”

“Yes,” Buck replied, already forgetting the whole cowboy thing. “Geraldine always set some aside for me. But she’s visiting her family in Charlotte. I’ve been missing out on those fresh herbs. I tried growing some, but it’s really hard to grow plants on my balcony.”

“Especially when the birds keep getting into your plants.”

Buck sighed, leaning a little bit of his body weight on Eddie. “Exactly, I thought making a bird house and including a bird feeder would prevent them from tearing into my tomatoes but that didn’t help.”

“You could always grow them back home,” Eddie told him. He drew his hand from Buck’s elbow and walked over to where they had some spring tomatoes.

“I could do that. Do you think it’d grow in the backyard?”

Eddie shrugged looking at a tomato that had yet to ripen. “I think so. The previous owners had a plum tree that was growing in the backyard. I tried to maintain it for a bit.”

“But you have the thumb of death, when it comes to plants. And you refuse to try to correct that,” Buck chortled, mind probably going to the time Buck had brought Eddie a cactus.

It was a nice idea. Buck had wanted Eddie to feel a little at home, when Eddie started feeling this strange sense of homesickness a while ago. Buck’s first thought was to buy a cactus because he assumed that would cure his homesickness.

And who knows it might have…if Eddie hadn’t managed to kill it within a month.

“I still don’t know how you managed to kill the most low-maintenance plant ever,” Buck laughed, leaning over Eddie to grab another tomato.

“It doesn’t matter anyways. I have you and your green thumb. We balance each other out quite nicely,” Eddie exclaimed.

“That we do,” Buck said, an amused lilt to his voice. “Okay, oh. I need to pick up some thyme and rosemary.”

“And basil. Remember you ran out of that, when you made that basil tomato pasta.”

“Is this your way of saying you want me to make that again? I see the way you’ve been adding those ingredients to my bag.”

Eddie lifted one shoulder up, “I mean, if that’s the way you choose to see it. Sure, thank you for offering to make that. Truly, it’s very generous of you.”

“Of course, Eddie. Anything for you,” Buck grinned, throwing his arm over Eddie’s shoulder.

The two of them continued walking through the farmers market for a few more hours. Eventually, the area grew crowded as more people began to start their day. They had already gotten everything they needed and were only just leisurely walking around.

Eddie shifted his hand, which was starting to cramp from holding all the bags. Buck noticed the discomfort and smoothly moved two of the five bags Eddie was holding onto his own arms. Eddie looked at the strain in his arms and muscles tense.

Eddie was by no means a weak man. He knew he could hold those bags. He could gently guide them back into his hands with a mock offended laugh that Buck was questioning his strength.

But Eddie’s eyes were still focused on Buck’s muscles, the way the fabric of his powder blue shirt seemed to stretch over his arms and chest. Buck’s shoulders were so broad, he wondered if he was ever worried that the material would stretch beyond repair.

He almost wanted to check Buck’s washer and dryer at the loft and see if there was some setting that shrunk his clothes. He knew Buck had been working out a lot more in the most recent years. And Eddie had been around him a lot for most of those years.

So with these gradual changes, he rarely noted a difference. If he did, it was more of a, “Man, you’ve gotten stronger” or “I see those five reps of ten are really working out for you.”

And it was normal that way. Those compliments could be given freely in a way that seemed okay to admire his friend’s body.

Even Sophia and Adriana would make comments admiring their friends' bodies. There had been many times Sophia would openly meet with her friends and tease them over how beautiful they looked.

They gave compliments so openly and easily. And it was fine. It was normal. It was accepted.

Then why did he think those thoughts needed to stop? Surely, it was okay to admire. That’s all it was…admiration because Eddie wanted to tone his arms like him. Yes, he just was looking to ask questions about Buck’s gym routine.

But he knew Buck’s gym routine. He did it a lot at the firehouse.

But no, he had to be saving his real workout routine for somewhere else. Yeah. That had to be it. Because all of that could not have happened in their station’s gym.

He was brought out of his musings, when he heard Buck’s phone ring. Buck turned around trying to balance his bags between his arms, while also reaching for his phone in his back pocket.

Now the first idea should have been to take a few bags from Buck so that he could reach into his back pocket to grab his phone. The second idea should have been to guide them to a table that was just three feet away from them. Then Buck could set his bags down and answer his phone.

He had no clue then why he chose to reach over into Buck’s back pocket and hold out his phone to him.

“It’s Maddie,” Buck said.

Eddie answered the phone for him and then held it to Buck’s ear.

“Hey, Maddie.”

The conversation continued for only a few minutes. Buck ended the call and Eddie went to put his phone back into his back pocket.

Eddie could’ve just held both of their phones.

“Do you mind, if we head over to Maddie’s? Their nanny canceled on them and Jee has a cold-” Buck began explaining.

Eddie stopped Buck from having to explain anymore. “Of course it’s fine. I said we’d do whatever you wanted today. And besides, even if it wasn’t your birthday I’d still want to do what you wanted to do.”

Buck smiled bashfully, like he was unaware of just how much Eddie would do for him.

“Thanks.”

“No, problem. Plus I’d do anything for Maddie too. Does she need us to pick up anything for Jee on the way, like kid’s Tylenol or anything?”

“I don’t know. But I’ll call her in the car and make sure,” Buck said as they both began walking to Eddie’s car.

They wound up having to make a stop at the pharmacy to pick a few things up for Jee. By the time they made it to the Buckley-Han residence, Maddie was opening the door with thanks already flying out of her mouth.

Buck and Eddie followed her inside. Eddie closed the door behind him and made sure to lock it. Buck walked behind Maddie as she moved through the kitchen throwing things into her bag. Maddie looked up and shot them both a tired smile.

“Sorry, hi. I meant to say good morning, when you came in. But as you can see I’m a little everywhere today,” Maddie rushed out. Then taking a moment to catch her breath, she added, “Jee’s nanny had a family emergency she had to run off to. And I already agreed to cover someone’s shift today. Definitely, didn’t want to have to call out too. I mean I would have called out, but then I thought…Buck.”

Maddie rambled on, letting the two of them into her thought process.

“Seems like the appropriate response,” Buck laughed as Maddie struggled to search for where her sentence was going.

Jee laughed and clapped her hands together. “Yes.”

“Eddie,” Buck started speaking, his voice growing raspy in its efforts to be calm.

Buck hated medicine. Eddie knew because one time he came over to his loft to drop off his secret Santa gift for Hen because he wasn’t able to make it to the party. And he saw Buck lying over his couch with a red nose and swollen eyes. It had taken Eddie almost thirty minutes to get Buck to agree to take the throat medicine his doctor had prescribed.

He didn’t mind taking pills. But Evan Buckley would always fight a losing battle against any and all forms of liquid medicine. Thankfully, his niece was already proving to be a better patient.

“Don’t worry. I won’t do that. I’ll put in the normal amount,” Eddie joked, then turned to Jee and gave her a wink.

Jee giggled, but rested her head against Buck’s shoulder. Eddie poured some medicine into two cups for himself and Buck. Jee’s eyes were on him, therefore he couldn’t pretend to pour juice instead of medicine.

He then took the measuring cup that was attached to the Tylenol bottle. He slid it over to Buck. He then grabbed his cup of medicine.

“Cheers,” he said, tilting the cup into his mouth.

“Cheers,” Buck said, first holding the small cup to Jee so she could take hers. Then he drank his medicine, nose scrunching up in distaste.

They held their cups out to Jee who inspected it to make sure they actually drank it. Satisfied, Jee went back to wrap her arms around Buck. Buck held her tightly, standing up from his chair to pour a glass of water.

“Gosh, this stuff is awful,” Buck disgustedly exclaimed, chugging the rest of his water down.

“It’s even worse than I remembered,” Eddie groaned. Water wasn’t enough to chase that taste down. He grabbed some orange juice and poured himself a glass. He swallowed the juice, hoping it would eradicate the taste and force down any awful aftertaste from coming back up.

Meanwhile Jee, for all her complaining, took the medicine like a champ.

“So Miss Jee, what would you like to do today?”

Jee blinked her eyes up at Buck. “Watch Bluey. ”

“As the princess doth request,” Buck grinned. “Do you want anything from your room?”

“My blanket,” Jee quietly spoke.

“I’ll go grab it. Which direction is her room?”

“Down the hallway, third door to your left.”

Eddie went to her bedroom and grabbed her blanket. It was a small pastel covered quilt, covering different fairytale stories. It was a very intricate and heavily detailed blanket. He could see why Jee requested it.

“Here you go,” Eddie offered.

“Thanks,” Buck said, covering Jee with the blanket.

“I’m going to clean things up, while you watch Bluey. The dolls clocked out early. I guess I'm closing the restaurant tonight,” Eddie laughed.

Buck grinned up at him. “You sure?”

“Yeah, spend some more time with your niece. Cleaning soothes me.”

And it did. The repetitive motion of cleaning helped quiet his thoughts. And he typically was on cleaning duty in the 118 because he wasn’t on their cooking rotation. Also anytime Buck cooked for him and Christopher, he always offered to clean.

It didn’t take much to clean up Maddie’s kitchen. He only had to put Jee’s dolls back in her toy box. And then he cleaned the pots where the soup had been warmed up in. He wiped down the counters and eventually made his way back to the couch where they were watching an episode of Bluey.

Eddie bundled himself up in his blanket. He listened to Buck and Jee talk back and forth about Bluey. Buck was heavily interested in the character’s storyline this season. He had even told Eddie about an episode one time. Buck stated that even though it was a show marketed to kids a lot of adults could benefit from watching it.

Eddie guessed he’d watch the episodes they were viewing and see if they were indeed good. They continued watching the show, Jee and Buck’s voices going in and out. Soon Jee fell back asleep, little breaths of air escaping her mouth in quiet snores.

“You’re really good with her,” Eddie commended.

“Thanks,” Buck shyly accepted the compliment. “It’s funny I never imagined that I’d be good with kids.”

“Really?”

Eddie was surprised to hear Buck didn’t think he’d be good with kids. Buck had immediately bonded with Christopher. And the first thing Buck had said, when he showed him pictures of his son, was that he loved kids. He couldn’t imagine a world existing where Buck thought he wouldn’t be good with children.

Buck nodded his head, but stopped moving when Jee gave a little disgruntled noise at the movement. Buck grew still, until Jee’s arms loosened around his neck.

“Really. I thought I could never be responsible enough to care for a child. And to be honest taking care of kids used to terrify me. I used to swear up and down I would never be a dad. But I grew up and did some maturing. In fact, my thoughts on parenting changed when I worked at this childcare center in Peru.”

“I thought you did bartending in Peru.”

“I did both. Our bar allowed job postings on the back wall. So I was short for cash and needed to have enough money to pay rent. I saw an advert for a childcare position and applied. Working with kids and the adults who truly had a passion and heart for taking care of kids was eye opening. Suddenly, taking care of kids didn’t seem so bad. Then I met you and Christopher. And Christopher is such an amazing kid.”

“Yeah, he really is,” Eddie smiled.

“And then Maddie had this precious little one right here, who has my entire heart wrapped up in her tiny…and sometimes very sticky fingers,” Buck laughed. “I never had any bad experiences with working with children. I just thought for all my parent’s words about being a difficult child, that maybe all children were difficult and it took the heart of a saint to want to be a parent. And I mean it still does, but…well you know.”

More and more Eddie wanted to take a drive down to Pennsylvania and have a talk with the Buckley parents. He wanted to meet them outside for a quick heart to heart.

“You’re really good with kids. You’ve helped me raise Christopher. It’s been a tremendous help to have someone by my side whom I trust with my every being. And I know Chimney and Maddie feel the same about you, in regards to their daughter,” Eddie proclaimed. “Jee follows you around like a duckling, whenever we have barbecues at Bobby’s.”

And it was funny, those first few days that Jee had been learning to walk. She had tried following Buck everywhere he went. And Buck had so much joyous patience, walking alongside her while giving her enough space to try standing on her own and picking her up, whenever she began to look frustrated. Once she got sturdier on her legs, they couldn’t stop her from following Buck everywhere he went. Buck had rubbed it in Albert’s face for weeks that he was her favorite uncle.

“You ever think about having kids yourself…you know another Buckley to add to the mix,” Eddie questioned.

Buck seemed to mull over the question. “Yes, I definitely want more kids. I mean…I want kids. I want to be a dad, but I can wait. What about you? You think about having any more kids?”

Eddie tilted his head back and forth. “I always imagined having at least three kids. My family was huge. There were three of us. My dad has eight siblings and my mom has five siblings. Then we have so many cousins. I loved having a full house.”

Eddie took a moment to pause, reflecting on when those dreams of a big family changed.

“But then everything with Shannon happened. And to be fair neither of us really planned on having kids with each other. Shannon never imagined becoming a mom…or I don’t know we never spoke about kids. Figured that was a discussion to have, when you got older or at least when you’re in a serious relationship. And even when I found out Shannon was pregnant I was f*cking terrified.”

“Really?” Buck said, having the same response Eddie had to Buck not thinking he’d be good with kids.

“Buck, you should’ve seen me, when Shannon came to me telling me she was pregnant,” Eddie grimaced, thinking back to that night where Eddie’s entire world changed in the span of an hour.

Eddie looked up from where he had been reading the same sentence over and over in his US History textbook. He knew pregnancy tests didn’t take that long for the results to show.

His cousin had just gone through a pregnancy scare and she had stepped into the room where Adriana, Sophia, and himself were waiting. It had only taken ten minutes for her to open the bathroom door, happily yelling that she was not pregnant.

But Shannon had stayed in her bathroom for nearly an hour. It was a small apartment and Shannon had to do the test, while her mom was out shopping. He had met her, holding the pharmacy bag with the tests she told him to pick up.

She hadn’t waited for Eddie to come inside. Shannon quickly snatched the bag out of his hands and ran to the bathroom. Eddie had stood there, baffled for a few minutes. Soon he followed her inside and was now waiting for Shannon to tell him the results of the pregnancy test.

He wanted Shannon to hurry. It shouldn’t take this long. He cracked his knuckles and kept trying to refocus on his reading. He had a test tomorrow and he couldn’t fail. He finally managed to raise his grade to a B+.

Except his nerves were completely shot. Shannon couldn’t be pregnant. There was no way. They had used every bit of protection. He felt his palms grow sweaty.

Shannon was probably experiencing a very intense sense of emotional relief, seeing that the pregnancy test results were negative. She was in there calming down from the panic and giving herself more time to calm down, finally relaxing and realizing that she was good.

Eddie had no reason to panic. It was going to be fine. Shannon wasn’t pregnant. Eddie would stop this sickening sense of dread from choking him as soon as Shannon would step out of that bathroom.

Finally, Shannon stepped outside of the bathroom, holding the three different pregnancy tests.

He closed his text book and stared at Shannon. Shannon clutched the pregnancy sticks in her hand.

He waited for her to smile and say she wasn’t pregnant.

He waited for her to speak, do anything, say anything to tell him that they were not going to be parents. They couldn’t be parents. They were in no way, shape, form, or matter ready to be parents.

He stood in front of her and reached out. She flinched, curling in on herself. Her mouth trembled and a steady trail of tears ran down from her cheeks to her chin.

“Shannon,” he shook his head back and forth. He reached out for her, head held between his trembling fingers. “Tell me. Tell me you’re not pregnant.”

Shannon gasped, responding like it’s the first time she heard the word pregnant in reference to her. She shook her head and that’s when Eddie knew.

“Eddie,” she cried.

She fell to the floor and Eddie almost didn’t catch her from how quickly her knees buckled. She sobbed into his shoulder, hitting her hands against his chest.

Nausea hit him right between his eyes.

Dizziness perforated his vision.

His tongue stuck to the root of his mouth.

He had to look down at his hands and make sure he was still there because this didn’t feel real. This had to be a dream of some sort. Terror pinched at the skin underneath his ribs, making its way into his bloodstream. He felt his blood thrum with trepidation.

He pulled the pregnancy tests from Shannon’s tight grasp. He had no reason to believe she was lying. However, he had to see it for himself. All of the air in his chest escaped like someone had punched him right in the sternum.

“I’m not ready, Eddie. I’m not ready,” she brokenly wailed. Her voice tumbled over the different syllables. She began hyperventilating, innocent eyes widening with all the childhood naivety that their newly turned 18 year old selves could not get rid of yet.

“Shannon,” he breathed, his heart feeling like it was getting punctured by a thousand needles.

He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He couldn’t be someone’s dad. He didn’t have it in him to raise a child and discipline them. He couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it.

Shannon’s sharp cries rattled against the walls and bounced off of the floor.

“We’re just kids…” she stuttered. “We’re just kids. Eddie. Eddie, I have my softball tournament in a few weeks. I’m supposed to go to Arizona State this fall, on a full ride scholarship. I am finally getting the opportunity to play at the collegiate level. I can’t. Eddie, I can’t breathe.”

Eddie held her tighter, rocking her back and forth.

“I can’t be a mom. I can’t be a mom, Eddie.”

“Okay, okay. We don’t have to make a decision right now. We can wait.”

“No, we can’t! Eddie, I’m serious. I can’t do this. I won’t do this.”

“Shannon-”

“Eddie, I have dreams. I can’t let a baby derail my plans. I…I won’t have my mom to help me. She’s dealing with her own health. She can’t watch a baby. I’m going to throw up,” she mumbled, pushing back on Eddie’s chest.

Eddie let her go and she ran to the bathroom, heaving into the toilet. Eddie slumped back against the dresser they had been propped against.

Eddie wasn’t ready to be a dad either. For the first time in his life, he was considering going to college. He thought maybe he could take a few community college courses and transfer to a four-year university. Maybe he could be a walk-on for a baseball team. He had been talking with his guidance counselor and he had options.

He was finally giving himself permission to dream outside of the life he had in El Paso.

But now those options were disappearing right in front of Eddie’s eyes. His lips started to quiver and he blinked his eyes rapidly to dispel any tears. He got up from his seated position, leaving the pregnancy tests on the ground.

Shannon continued to dry heave into the toilet. Eddie grabbed a hair tie from off her bathroom counter. He looped her wavy hair through the hair tie. He brushed back the strands that were clinging to her neck, from how sweat had gathered on her spine.

“Whatever decision you want to make Shannon, I am behind you one hundred percent. We can look at different options. Your dreams don’t have to end. And even if we do…if we decide this is what we want…I’ll make sure you still have a chance to live out your dreams.”

Shannon lifted her head up and laughed sardonically. “Are you stupid? If I have this kid, my dreams are ruined. I will be known as the five-star recruit who got knocked up her senior year. I can’t finish out the rest of my season. I won’t be able to go to orientation. I would be pregnant. I needed a scholarship to attend college…you think I can afford a child too. Be serious, Eddie.”

“I am,” Eddie reasoned.

“No, you’re not. You think everything could work. But wake up Eddie. This is the real world. Kids like us get one shot to make it out of El Paso. And we just royally f*cked ours up.”

“It’s not f*cked up, Shannon. It’s not…” Eddie tried placating, all the while his hands were shaking. “I can. I can step up and provide for you and the baby.”

He could hear his father already telling him, “A man has to step up and provide for his family. You need to take care of Shannon and your baby.”

But he had unknowingly said that aloud. Shannon screamed loudly, hitting her hands against her ears.

“Stop it. Stop it. There is no baby. There is no baby. I can’t be a mom. This isn’t happening. This isn’t real,” she wept.

But those pregnancy tests in the other room told a different story.

“Shannon, we can…” Eddie trailed off, not knowing what they could do. Right now, things felt hopeless.

“You might be fine staying in this bullsh*t city, but I wanted to leave! I have to leave this state, Eddie! I can’t breathe here,” Shannon mournfully yelled. She scratched at her stomach, the shirt riding up and leaving red marks on pale skin. “I can’t stay here another second, Eddie. I’ll die here. Do you hear me? I’ll die if I have to be a mom. I can’t be a mom.”

Eddie froze, his vision swam in front of him. Shannon kept yelling and screaming. She kept pushing at Eddie and would resume scratching at her stomach like she could somehow reach inside of her and make all of this stop.

He could faintly hear her blaming him. And he understood. He wouldn’t try to take away the only person she could fight against. She needed this. She needed to use him to release all the anger she had surging in her body.

They both sat there, in that small bathroom for what seemed like hours. Eddie planted his hands on the tile floor, begging it to bring some of its coolness into his overheating body.

“I’m sorry, Shannon,” was all he could offer her up in hopes of forgiveness.

Shannon never relented. But soon she grew tired of pushing against Eddie’s arms. She pulled back and looked at Eddie for a few seconds.

Shannon’s face was a splotchy red. She would alternate between hyperventilating and dry-heaving. Eddie wet a towel and pressed it on his forehead. He had to be strong for Shannon. He swallowed all his emotions. He closed his eyes and imagined putting all of this in a box. Then he imagined closing the box with a lock on it.

He set it aside, left to be in an unopened archive. Within the box, there was a boy that was screaming and crying. He yelled from inside to be let out. But he couldn’t let that version of him out of the box.

He was saddened. He felt it in his heart, that deep-sinking realization that he had to lock a part of himself up. But it worked in the past. That version of him could go with the others, in their carefully locked boxes.

He’d be safe there.

And Eddie could be safe in the outside world. Safe from all his fears, regrets, disappointments, and shame.

Eddie continued to wipe the sweat from Shannon’s forehead. He made sure he was safe, so now it was his turn to take care of Shannon and make sure she was safe.

“I didn’t know it was that hard for you two. I imagined it would have been difficult, being two teenagers that found out they were having a kid. But I don’t know…I guess I got the impression you always took things on the chin and it didn’t phase you as much,” Buck conveyed.

Eddie nodded, seeing where Buck was coming from. “I can see how you would think that. But it was hard. I mean the further along she got in her pregnancy, we got adjusted to the idea of becoming parents. Well…we had to.”

“Had to?” Buck gently asked.

Eddie picked at his fingers. “My dad overheard me confiding in Sophia about Shannon’s pregnancy news. And well…after that we didn’t have any more options. We had one option. And I don’t regret it. Shannon and I were leaning toward the direction of having the baby. But we did talk about adoption seriously at first.”

Eddie paused, hoping Buck didn’t think any less of him or Shannon. “We were still terrified. I didn’t have a job. Shannon was having to move in with us because her mom was moving closer to her side of the family, so she’d have more support with her treatment. Thought maybe Christopher would have a happier life with parents who could provide for him.”

“That’s a really difficult decision to think about and make,” Buck gently spoke, turning more toward Eddie.

Eddie swallowed and blinked his eyes. He sniffled and rubbed at his eyes.

“Yeah, it was,” Eddie muttered. “It was really hard.”

Buck locked eyes with him, silently telling Eddie he could tell him anything. It was the first time Eddie was opening up like this about the time he learned Shannon was pregnant and everything leading up to Christopher’s birth.

He had only given Frank the sparknotes. The only one who knew how hard that time was on him was Shannon. His parents had pretty much ignored how difficult things were for him and Shannon. And his sisters were too young for Eddie to feel like he could come to them with his problems and fears.

But it felt good to talk to Buck, to have that nonjudgement and unwavering kindness directed toward him. It made this part of his past easy to talk about. And Eddie found himself wanting to tell him everything.

“That’s why my parents were pushing to watch Christopher, when Shannon first left. I hated that I had even told them we were thinking about adoption because it felt like that gave them an incentive to say I couldn’t take care of Christopher…or that I didn’t want to,” he scoffed, thinking back to that conversation. “But I did. I love him with my entire being. Shannon loved him with her entire being too. We were always meant to be his parents. Christopher was always meant to be our son.”

He paused, his thoughts catching up to him.

Eddie reflected for a moment. “Then when I thought she was pregnant, before she passed…I don’t know. It was a different response. I got excited at the idea of Christopher having the chance to have a sibling. I thought we were in a better spot than when we were teenagers. It could be different this time. Better.”

“He’d be a good big brother.”

“Oh, most definitely. But things change. Priorities shift. But if I met the right person, I think I’d be willing to reopen the conversation about having more children.”

Eddie could hear Buck’s breath catch in his throat, before he realized his mistake. Eddie didn’t bother to voice a correction. He let the statement settle between them, almost challenging Buck to say something back. He just didn’t know what he was hoping to hear in a response to the slip.

Did he even know what he meant, by not clarifying he meant to say woman instead of person ? Because it’d be a lie, if he said that. The slip had been honest. It’d be untruthful to take it back.

Eddie could feel nip at his ankles, but he shook it away. Buck looked down to where Eddie had actually kicked out his leg to shake his foot.

“The right person might come your way soon. You think you’d be ready for that?” Buck tentatively questioned.

Eddie cut his eyes back to the TV, thinking that this conversation was beginning to evolve into something neither of them were ready for. But he fell into the temptation of wanting more.

“Maybe, I think I would be. Might have to find someone willing to be a bit patient, while I work over a few things with myself first,” Eddie replied, biting the inside of his cheek.

Buck hummed low in the back of his throat. He looked down at Jee, who was still napping against his chest. He closed his eyes and smiled, like he was caught up in a memory or a dream. He opened his eyes and turned to Eddie.

His expression didn’t leave much for Eddie to interpret, but that might have been because Eddie was too scared to see more than he hoped for. Buck opened his mouth to say something, probably something that would shake Eddie’s carefully constructed view of their friendship.

Eddie couldn’t delve further into this pool of temptation. He had to get out. He wasn’t ready.

Even if it felt like…

Even if it felt…

His thoughts echoed and stuttered in his mind. Those words kept on being repeated, but it was as though Eddie’s subconscious wouldn’t allow Eddie to finish the thought.

Eddie’s chest rose and he tried breathing normally.

Even if it felt like Buck was ready.

The panic came back because Buck wasn’t ready. And even if he was he wouldn’t be ready for something with Eddie. Eddie didn’t even want anything with Buck. He was spiraling. He was tossing himself into the deep end of the closest abyss.

He couldn’t do this to himself or Buck.

In his mind, he began making another box, to put himself away in. But before he could place a lock on the box, Buck spoke up.

“Do you think we should keep Bluey on while she is asleep or can we try watching something different?” Buck questioned, like he knew Eddie needed to be pulled away from the severity of his thoughts.

He pushed the box aside and it began to slowly crumble into tiny grains of sand, before being blown away.

“Let’s keep it on for a few more minutes, until we’re certain she won’t wake up if we change the show. Anyways, tell me the deal with this show again. I forgot which character is which,” Eddie said, thankful for Buck steering the conversation to a lighter topic.

At this point, Jee was still sound asleep. So they didn’t even need to be watching it anymore. But Buck relented, continuing to explain the different characters in Bluey.

A little while later, Buck looked down to where Jee was sleeping. He pressed the back of his hand against her forehead.

“Still warm?”

“A little. But she’s not burning up,” Buck replied with relief.

“That’s good. I’ll check her temp again in an hour.”

“This is a hundred times different than watching her, when she’s not sick. I mean she runs me ragged and I’m almost out of breath by the time she’s calmed down. But it’s so weird with her being quiet and having low energy.”

Buck pushed back a strand of hair that was clinging to her face. Jee’s nose scrunched up then relaxed.

“It really is hard, when children are sick. Makes your heart hurt and makes you wish you could make them better with a snap of your fingers,” Eddie said, automatically thinking about his own son. “Especially, when you’re the reason they’re not feeling good.”

“Eddie.”

Eddie shook the thoughts from his head and smiled at Buck. “I’m good. It’s not about…it’s not about that.”

“You’ll talk to me about it later though,” Buck vowed. “We haven’t really talked much about how you’re doing with Christopher gone.”

“Maybe later.”

“Eddie.”

“Later, okay,” Eddie pleaded. He was teetering on the edge of a tightrope right now and a slight breeze would knock him off.

“I just don’t want you bottling things up again.”

Before you explode is the part he left off, but Eddie knew what he was saying.

“I won’t. I still talk to Frank every week. I’m doing things in a healthier way.”

Buck was about to say something, until his phone started ringing. Eddie leant over to grab the phone from the coffee table and handed it to Buck. He didn’t see who the caller was. He assumed it was either Maddie or Chimney calling to check-in on Jee. They had sent a text earlier, but Eddie knows a call is always preferred especially when a person’s own child is sick.

Buck pressed the answer button on the call, bringing the phone to his ear.

“Hey,” Buck answered.

Eddie didn’t listen in on the conversation. He was attentively listening to whatever the dog with the spot on its face was saying to the orange dog. Sue him, he still didn’t know their names. There were a lot of dogs in this show.

Eddie was drawn away from the show, which had admittedly gotten interesting, when Buck tapped him on his shoulder.

“Can you hold Jee for a second? I need to take this call somewhere private,” Buck asked.

Eddie loosened the tight hold he had on his blanket to hold his arms out for Jee. Buck settled Jee down into Eddie’s awaiting arms. Jee blinked sleepily at him, trying to see the reason for exchange. Upon seeing Eddie, she relaxed. She pulled her arms over Eddie’s chest and tucked in, pressing her face a over his collarbone.

Eddie couldn’t imagine the position to be comfortable, so he shifted her a bit to rest away from his collarbone and more on his chest. Jee snuffled in her sleep and gave a little cough. Buck placed her blanket over her and pulled the corners tight around her body.

Eddie was cold, but he didn’t dare add another layer to her already warm body. He lightly drew his own blanket over his shoulder, loose enough to provide warmth but not tight enough to where he couldn’t hold Jee.

“I’ll be right back,” Buck said, stepping away.

“Uncle Eddie,” Jee mumbled, voice sounding a little thick with mucus. He would have to give her some more Gatorade to help loosen the stuff up, causing her to cough it up. He leant over and brought some more Gatorade to her. She took a few sips, then relaxed.

“Yes, sweetheart,” Eddie said, putting the cup back down.

“Where’s Uncle Buck?”

“He went to answer a phone call, but he’ll be right back. Okay.”

“Okay. You’re really warm. Nice,” Jee said, shortening her last sentence as sleepiness continued to comfort her.

She coughed a bit more, the sound becoming a little wetter. He patted her back as she continued coughing. It got to the point where he knew something was going to come up. He gently coaxed her to the half bathroom and told her anytime she coughed to let that icky feeling out of her mouth. She looked at him and coughed into the sink, weakly. Then she set her head back against Eddie’s chest.

Eddie poured some water down the sink, to wash away what had come up. He stepped out for a minute because Jee needed to use the bathroom. He heard her washing her hands. Then the door opened and Jee came out, arms already stretched out for Eddie to pick her up.

Eddie picked her up and went back to their cocooned position on the couch. From there she tried fighting sleep. She told Eddie all about her favorite Bluey characters. Her eyes would close and then reopen anytime one of the dogs talked on the screen.

Eddie discreetly lowered the volume, just low enough to where she could feel like she wasn’t missing out on something if she fell asleep.

Her eyes closed for a minute before reopening. Then Eddie decided to do a few methods to help her fall asleep. His mom had done this with him and his sisters. And it worked like a charm. Softly, he traced the contours of Jee’s face. He lightly tapped her nose and then her eyebrows. All while doing this, he hummed a lullaby his mother had learned from her own mother.

Jee peered up at him as he hummed, the song very soothing and peaceful. Jee tapped her tiny hand against his chest, feeling the soft vibrations from his throat travel to his chest as he hummed the short lullaby. Eddie continued repeating the lullaby.

Finally, Eddie could see the moment Jee began losing her tight grasp in her tug of war battle against sleep. He could see her heavy eyelids begin to shutter close. That time, she didn’t open her eyes. Instead, she continued resting peacefully.

Eddie continued humming, even though Jee was asleep. He ran his fingers through her hair, knowing how much he enjoyed his mom running her fingers through his hair as he had laid asleep on her lap in the hot Texas sun.

“Is she still doing okay?” Buck questioned, coming back after finishing his call.

Eddie stopped humming and faced Buck. “Yeah, I had her drink some more Gatorade and then she spit up some mucus. That’s a good sign. Don’t want to keep that in her and infect her lungs. Everything good with your call? It was a long one.”

Buck ran his hands over his face, throwing his head against the back of the couch. Eddie couldn’t imagine that was an entirely comfortable position. Buck continued looking at the ceiling.

“It’s…it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, if it makes you look stressed. Unless, it’s something that can’t be spoken about in the midst of children’s ears. Granted, Jee is in a deep state of sleep right now.”

“I can only imagine. It’s a very comfortable position to be sleeping in. Also to be soothed asleep by…what was that song you were humming. Haven’t heard it before.”

Since Buck had let him change the conversation multiple times, Eddie extended him the same courtesy. “Elysian Daydreams. My mom used to sing it to me and my sisters when we were children.”

“Sing it to me?”

“Ah,” Eddie flushed. “I don’t know if I have the singing voice to do that.”

“Please, unless you really don’t want to. Then that’s fine.”

“I guess, I can sing it. Since you asked so nicely. But don’t laugh at my singing.”

“I wouldn’t laugh, even if it sounded like Fergie’s rendition of the national anthem.”

“Whoa, that’s serious.”

“I know. Now start. You’re stalling.”

“Okay. No laughing remember.”

“No laughing.”

Eddie leant back against the couch and closed his eyes. He pretended he was back in El Paso for a moment, lying in their backyard. He felt the sun on his face and his mom’s hands running over the brows of his eyes. He heard her voice sing:

Close your eyes for the night

Bid the world a brief goodbye

And my sweet child

Awaken in elysium

May you play in the fields

Of bright evergreen

Smell the aroma of flowers

Feel the rain’s light shower

Close your eyes for the night

I’ll be sure to meet you

When you arise

From elysian paradise

Eddie opened his eyes and turned to face Buck. Buck blinked slowly, eyes intently drawn to him. Heat crept in his body. It never failed to surprise him how heavy Buck’s gaze was. When a person had Buck’s undivided attention, they felt that attention with clarity.

“Eddie, that’s beautiful.”

“Thanks. I mean…it’s just a lullaby.”

“That might be the most beautiful lullaby I’ve ever heard. I mean that’s a hundred times better than forcefully knocking the cradle to the ground.”

Eddie frowned. “I don’t think that’s how the song goes.”

"It does.”

“Alright, flatterer. You want to watch The Bear now that she’s asleep?”

“Yeah,” Buck said. “You want me to hold her?”

“No, I’m good for now. Plus, we can still monitor her to make sure the medicine it’s taking effect. We can trade off, when I need a restroom back.”

“Okay,” Buck said, leaning back. “Want to continue where we left off? Or restart the whole episode? I think we were maybe five minutes in, before Jee woke up”

“Yeah, we can restart it.”

“Okay,” Buck said.

And Eddie didn’t know if he was tired from yesterday’s shift or maybe that kid’s Tylenol had some kick to it. But what he did know was that he found himself falling to sleep. He didn’t even know he had fallen asleep, until he felt hands try to pry Jee away from him.

His arms tightened reflexively, before Buck ran his fingers over the shell of his ear. Eddie tried to command his body not to shiver. His body did not obey him.

“Shhh, go back to sleep. I’m just taking Jee to the restroom. She needs to go and I need to give her some coughing medicine.”

Eddie thought he mumbled something in acknowledgment, but he had gone back to sleep. He was awake enough to feel Buck sit closer to him and pull Eddie’s head to his shoulder. Eddie peered at Buck, confused.

“You’ll get a crick in your neck, sleeping that way,” Buck said.

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed, going back to sleep.

Some hours had passed, before he heard Chimney’s voice and Maddie’s voice in the house. He woke up startled, because it couldn’t have been that late at night to where both of them were done with their shifts. But he looked down at his phone and saw it was already six in the evening.

“Well, well, well. Looks like Sleeping Beauty is finally awake. Do you know how long we waited for you to wake up,” Chimney said from his spot behind the kitchen island.

“Sorry,” Eddie apologized, rubbing his eyes. “Had a long night last night. Couldn’t really get any good sleep. My bad. Buck you should’ve woken me up.”

“Chimney is just teasing you. It’s fine. Buck said you needed the brief nap. Thanks again for both of you helping out today. It’s been a real help.”

“Anytime,” Eddie offered. “She was wonderful. Hope she feels better.”

“Me too. Hey before you two head out, do you want to sing happy birthday. I saw the cake in the fridge and didn’t know if you were saving it for later or not,” Chimney said, but had already begun pulling out the plates and forks.

Eddie agreed. It would be nice having them all singing happy birthday to Buck. Jee was awake enough to sing happy birthday and eat a small portion of cake, before Maddie was taking her back to bed. Chimney walked the both of them out, once again thanking them for taking care of his daughter.

Eddie drove Buck back to his loft. He wondered if they would be able to finish up on the rest of The Bear . They could maybe fit in one more episode, before Eddie had to head back home. They had a late afternoon shift tomorrow, so they couldn’t stay up too late.

Eddie carried a few things they got from the farmers market. He also held the cake container, making sure Buck would enjoy the rest of the cake. They walked up to Buck’s loft, talking all the way up until Eddie bumped into Buck’s back.

He was about to say what made him stop, when he looked up to see Tommy standing in front of Buck’s door. He held his phone in one hand and a bag of takeout in his other hand. He looked between the two of them, curiosity sparking in his eyes then smoothed out.

Tommy looked between the two of them. “I thought you said you were heading home from Maddie’s.”

Ah, and this is who Buck must have been on the phone with. It made a lot more sense why the conversation was long and Buck came back looking a bit unsettled. Perhaps Tommy wanted to take Buck out for his birthday.

“I was.”

“You didn’t tell me Eddie was with you,” Tommy asserted.

“I mean there wasn’t a reason to tell you. I had told you I was meeting up with Eddie earlier today.”

“Yeah, but when you told me that you had to go to Maddie’s to take care of Jee, I thought Eddie had dropped you off. I offered to come over and help. Wanted to spend time with you.”

“Yeah, well. I was watching my niece.”

“And that had to include Eddie?”

Eddie did not like the situation that was arising. He saw the two of them clench their jaws in stubbornness.

“Tommy, I am sure you can understand that Buck was helping out his sister today. That was his main concern. It didn’t matter if I was there or not. Maybe you can first start by asking how Jee is doing…or maybe saying happy birthday in person.”

Eddie hoped his tone sounded slightly amused, but he was anything but that. Instead he was heated. He wanted to tell Tommy to lower his tone several levels and stop behaving like he was owed Buck’s presence on his birthday. He was spending it how he wanted to.

Tommy rapidly blinked his eyes, as though he was surprised by Eddie’s interjection.

“Yeah…I'm sorry. How is Jee?”

“She’s good. She didn’t have a high fever, so Maddie is going to let me know how she is in the morning,” Buck answered back.

“Good. That’s good. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound rude. I just had plans. And I should have called ahead to make sure you were free. I’m sorry,” Tommy apologized. “And when I saw Eddie I thought…”

“What? That I was lying?” Buck narrowed his eyes at him, wanting Tommy to explain.

“No. I…can we talk about this inside?” Tommy said, darting his eyes up to Eddie.

“Yeah,. I’ll meet you in there. Just let me walk Eddie down,” Buck waved him inside, after unlocking his door. He passed his bags for Tommy to hold. Then he grabbed the remaining ones that Eddie held as well as the cake container.

Tommy bit his lip, but took the bags and stepped inside Buck’s loft. The door closed with a quiet click.

“You don’t have to walk me out. Enjoy the rest of your night. We do have work the next morning, so try not to stay up too late. I am not covering for you, if Bobby asks me why you’re ten seconds away from falling asleep during lineup,” Eddie joked. “And hopefully things work out well...with whatever is happening.”

“You know you would cover for me in a heartbeat,” Buck snorted. “And ah…yeah. We’ll see about that.”

Eddie was about to say his goodnight and then Buck stopped him.

“Also I know Christopher hasn’t really called you much. But he called to wish me happy birthday, when you went into the pharmacy. He said he missed us and…well…I just wanted to let you know. I know it’s been hard and things are still off kilter. But he does really miss you Eddie.”

Eddie pulled Buck in for a hug. “Thanks Buck. It means a lot that Christopher can talk to you. I appreciate you being there for him, when I can’t be the parent he needs right now.”

“You know I will always be there for you and Christopher,” Buck confessed, pulling Eddie in tighter.

The time stretched on for a few seconds that could be thought of as hours. Though Buck had company and Eddie couldn’t keep Buck for any longer, they still held on to each other for a few more seconds.

He pulled back and laid his hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“Enjoy the rest of your birthday.”

“Thanks for today.”

“Of course. You know I always love celebrating with you.”

“Yeah, but I mean not just for today. Thanks for everything. You’ve been a really great friend and I don’t think I have told you that as much as I should.”

Eddie shook his head. “You’ve been a really great friend too, Buck. Seriously, I don’t know where I’d be, if I hadn’t met you all those years back. I don’t even want to know where I’d be honestly. Probably unhappy.”

“Nah, you’d be fine.”

“No, I really wouldn’t. There’s not a world that exists in which I’d be fine, if I had never met you,” Eddie truthfully bared part of his soul to him.

It didn’t feel as though that was enough to quantify how much Eddie relied on Buck’s friendship. He couldn’t even begin to put into words how much he admired, respected, and loved Buck. There wouldn’t even be enough air within his lungs to breathe life into all the reasons Buck had inspired him to try to be a better person everyday.

“I love you” was the only phrase that seemed to honor his friendship with Buck. Yet it felt wrong trying to form his lips to say the words, “I love you” and then tack on the two words, “as friends” to the sentence.

Like maybe he was saving it for the right time. Like maybe he was saving it for, when Buck might say it back and have it mean something.

“Alright, well you have a good night. Hopefully, you and Tommy can enjoy the dinner he brought,” Eddie stated, swiping away those wandering thoughts.

“Ha, yeah. We’ll see. Have a goodnight, Eddie. Text me when you make it home safely.”

“I always do.”

Eddie could feel Buck’s stare on him as he descended down the stairs. He knew once Buck went inside his loft, he would walk toward his window which overlooked the parking lot where Eddie’s truck was and wait for him to safely make it inside.

Eddie walked back to his car, shaking off the sensation of unsettlement causing the hairs on his nape to rise. He wouldn’t call it jealousy. He had spent the whole day with Buck. Buck didn’t even look all that happy to see Tommy standing there…

..and no.

Stop it.

Do not go there.

Do not start wishing relationship problems upon someone just because your life is falling apart , he voiced to himself.

Rolling down his windows, he let the air caress his face. He also put the AC on full blast.

He was okay. This feeling would fade with time as well. He was just confusing things. He was lonely and he wanted all of Buck’s time. He was being selfish. He knew he needed to separate from this dependency. He had once depended on someone for too much and it broke him.

Heat ran like liquid fire over his tongue. It ran down his cheeks like molten lava. And the only person he wanted to talk to was miles away, the miles increasing the further he drove.

Eddie wondered what that made of him…wanting to be easily given over to Buck, to let him have him in a way that has only ever broken him, whilst hoping he wouldn’t.

But he knew Buck would never break him. Buck didn’t have a single bone in his body that would hurt anyone, intentionally or unintentionally. That just wasn’t Buck. His heart did not have the ability to hurt anyone or anything.

Buck would probably try his damn hardest to piece all the fragments of Eddie that were splintered in different places. He only had to hold his hands out to Buck, full of all his broken parts. And Buck would lay them out on a table and begin to stitch them back together.

And that f*cking terrified him.

Because he didn’t deserve to be pieced back together.

The World Has Grown Quiet (Yet Here I Still Remain) - Brixon (2024)

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